Wednesday, 5 January 2011

standing in the way of control

Its taken me years to get to this point, so although it's difficult, I'm just going to come out and say it as I did about an hour ago to an awesome bride friend of mine on twitter.

I think... I THINK... I might be a control freak.

I don't know whether it's because I'm used to taking control of my own designs, or whether I am just "one of THOSE people", but I cannot-for-the-life-of-me relinquish control on anything wedding related. What the fudge is all that about?

At the start I thought, "wowzers... wedding... big task. But that's ok because I'll  have my nearest and dearest to help me." Now I am finding myself taking (imaginary) baseball bats to the faces of those that try to help me. That's right... help me. Nice, lovely, soft, gentle help. And I persist to smash it to pieces with a nervous "No, I'm fine, I have it all sorted. Don't you worry!".

The truth...? I am fine. I have got everything under control and I am ok with that. What I am not ok with, is this recent feeling that I'm pushing people away and making them feel a bit helpless, all because I can't let go of a tiny bit of responsibility. The reason for this childish grip on all things mine is... well, to be absolutely, hand-on-my-heart honest about it all... Here it is...

I think I can do a better job at everything than everyone else/ I'm afraid they'll do something I don't like.

There... I said it. I know that makes me sound like a horrendous pompous bitch. But it's how I feel. I think I've built the day up to be worth so much that I am afraid of other people messing it up on me. I'm absolutely, totally and utterly ready to hand over all control on the actual day itself. I do not care if Auntie Jo is hanging upside down from my carefully crafted pompoms with my veil between her teeth. Because it will be the day. The lead up to it, I just don't want to have to stress about other people getting things done. I would rather do them myself. Is that really so so horrible?

In typing this I have seen that the main reason behind all of this is fear. So what's the saying? Feel the fear and do it anyway? I know... I need to let go of things and accept help. But I think I'll hang on a liiiitttle while longer. Just in case.


  1. I'm the same. I hate that my guest list lies on an excel spreadsheet in Future Husbands laptop, and I daren't touch it because it's interconnected to the budget sheet. Argh. I've planned my own hen do because well, who knows better what I want than, erm, me? So, while feeling the fear is all very well, I'm with you on the hanging on for now.

  2. Oh my God I was the exact same way! in fact its not just my wedding that I was like it, it's in my whole life. I do have to say I did run myself into a stress heap by the time the wedding came because I wouldnt let anyone else help me but truth be told I wouldnt have done it any it other way.

  3. I totally understand your feelings Naomi, I don't trust anyone else to organise any of our wedding stuff either. Or at least not without my supervision! And I want to be involved in everything because it's my wedding, sorry our wedding, not anyone elses! Perhaps when it gets closer to the day and things get busier I'll relinquish a bit of control! Great post on RMW this week btw. xXx


talk to me... it makes me smile